Phone Hacking

Hello viewers! You may have been following the news over the past week or so about phone hacking and it seems that we too have been victims of this disgraceful act. A fellow from the Guardian was escorted to my log cabin by the Elders yesterday evening and he showed me evidence which suggests that News International were prepared to write a story about text message exchanges between myself and a drunken Orelando. After reading further, I saw that Liam had been in contact with some wives of footballers and that the hacking extends beyond phones. Ryan's entire GIF collection, it seems, was copied but luckily you can't publish GIFs in a newspaper unless it is the Daily Prophet which only wizards can read (you're a wizard Merlin!).

The customers who phoned up Abdul's Balti-House were also hacked, as were the ice company who keep leaving ice everywhere in the hope that Mark slips on it. The Polar Ice Company, I think. Most shockingly of all, they captured footage of our old friend Jay-Z, who went to New York to pursue a music career (his hit song Bitchebub is out now).

That had better not be Selena he's taking pictures of!

These acts by the 'journalists' are despicable and we hope that you are unaffected. If you have been affected by the issues raised in this program then please call the BBC Action Line on 0808 2000 247.

Dan